In Pursuit of Escape from Today

Nevelle, 17, New York

Today, I am a teenage girl

In fear that today

Will be the same 

As it was yesterday.

I always feel so cold,

As I am searching for peace.

How I wish to find it in a book,

Or a black-and-white movie,

Or in a warm shower, that cleanses the mind.

Instead, I lay restless in the chaos of my room, 

Settled with dust and a shelf of postponed passions.

I stare at the mirror ever so often, 

To watch a tear 

Pave its way across my skin.

Whispering it into the space,

I beg to feel alive and to see my beauty

If there even is any.

I am framed by suffering

That is transformed into grief, 

Which crawls down my cheeks. 

The kind of grief that never fails to remind me

That I am a fragile piece of glass meant to be shattered.

I have not yet grown to be whole again, but I am prepared 

To experience days 

That feel light on my chest, 

And softer on my skin.

Today, I am a teenage girl 

Who needs to be freed 

And yearns for tomorrow 

To be extraordinary.

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Growing up in a big family as the oldest child, I always felt the pressure of perfection placed on me. I dreamed of being good enough for my parents and family. My looks, grades, and behavior never seemed up to their standards. I also dreamed of tomorrow being better than yesterday, because I felt like I was living in a never-ending time lapse that kept me trapped in despair. It felt as if I couldn’t escape the pain, as if I deserved it because it followed me wherever I went, and I was only left to imagine a life where I felt whole and at peace with myself.