My Invisible Battle
Penelope, 17, Illinois
Change is a battlefield of the mind. Experiences can evoke an array of feelings such as fear, anxiety, anger, and peace. The last emotion, peace, many people do not discover with my condition. However, I am living proof that peace can come into the once-tormented mind.
When I was five years old, I was diagnosed with a chronic auto-immune disease that shifted my life orbit. Often with a diagnosis of any chronic illness, stigma is attached. People usually think, “Well, you don’t look sick, so surely you don’t feel sick.” Unfortunately, these comments come from those who haven’t dealt with chronic illness. Those who can’t relate to constant fatigue, brain fog, stomach issues, syncope, and a list of additional life-altering symptoms. People don’t understand the inner turmoil that comes from enduring the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual challenges stemming from chronic illness.
I had a supportive family and many blessings during my childhood. My family did everything to help me feel as “normal” as possible. I attended play dates, took vacations, had sleepovers, interacted within the community and lived life to the fullest capacity as a child. Yet, everything I did was to the capacity of what my illness could handle. I spent a lot of time at hospitals, with doctors, and seeking other healing ventures to maintain health, which was not fun. I felt different. Internally, I wanted more.
As I got a bit older, 3:30 p.m. became my favorite time of day. I would look out of my living room windows, watching kids get off of the bright yellow school bus with envy. It doesn’t sound as magical now, but at the time, it gave me a sense of normalcy. I was aware I had a good sense of self-discovery, kept up with the latest trends and social media to appear “normal” (whatever that means) to those who saw me. Yet attending school was a yearning I could not shake. I felt despair and loneliness, two emotions that altered my perception of life. In the midst of a long-winded depression, navigating illness and desperately praying for help, the summer before my freshman year, my whole life changed.
In May of 2022, my mom proposed that I try a new treatment (located in Wisconsin) to try to get my symptoms regulated. I had watched my mom spend hours on research, trying to find help for me, using enormous amounts of time, energy, and money. Yet, nothing ever seemed to work consistently. When she suggested a new treatment, I quickly declined. My thoughts were filled with concerns about cost, travel, and the success of the treatment. I didn’t want to try another thing. Finally, with much convincing, I decided to embark on another uncertainty. The appointment was made for June. We headed out on a long car ride to Wisconsin, and I was filled with debilitating anxiety, fear, and apprehension.
Once we arrived at our Airbnb, the hostess greeted us and welcomed us into her home. She was the wife of a pastor and expressed the kindest disposition and smile. I overheard her and my mom discussing our reasoning for the trip. The lady burst with excitement about the doctor, “Oh, I heard he does wonderful things!” she said.
Relief filled my nervous system.
The day of the appointment, I was filled with both excitement and exasperation. The treatment was successful, allowing me to engage in the things I loved. It was almost as if air dissipated from my head. I could think clearer than the day before. In fact, each day of protocol, I left his office feeling revived. Upon my arrival home, after months of monitoring, it was assured I could attend the 2022-2023 school year in the fall.
My story isn’t over, and there are some days I still struggle. However, I want my experience and story to be a reminder that even when the world is crashing down, and it feels like there will never be improvements, have faith. I was not completely cured, but I have learned resilience and strength in this journey. I am learning to be vulnerable and share the truth about what someone with chronic illness endures. I can now be an advocate for those with chronic illness and give others inspiration to keep fighting. My experience has made me resilient and now I can share it with others. Go Comets!
I chose to write this story to inspire others who have dealt with the battle of chronic illness like me, and to bring hope to the hopeless. Sickness doesn’t define your worth and value. My journey has taught me that even in the darkest moments, there is light that will shine through.
