It’s OK to be Alone

This Thursday is Valentines Day… which can bring in mixed feelings if you’re not in a relationship. 

When I look back on high school and college, I wish I would have known earlier that it’s OK to be alone. I wish I didn’t wonder so much if there was something wrong with me. I wish I didn’t obsess over my face or my body wondering if there was something I needed to change. 

The longer we are single, the more we tend to ask “what is wrong with me”. We think there must be something strange about us… and really, we are all strange. It’s just about finding someone who accepts you for who you are and how much of your real self you let someone see.

And we may as well show our true selves. Otherwise, we’ll feel trapped later.

So many of the images we see are of happy couples. All the shows and movies make it seem like life doesn’t really start until you meet that special person. But so many images are fake. So many relationships aren’t picture perfect in real life. And blaming ourselves for not living up to the images or #relationshipgoals can cause us to stay in a bad relationship.

Some of the coolest, most interesting, intelligent people I know are single. And they are in their 30s, 40s, 50s… Some of them are just selective and not willing to settle. Some are truly happy being single and are busy living a fulfilling life. They are world travelers, ranchers, professors, musicians, business professionals… and they are happy.

But for most, being alone takes an extra dose of courage. Just walking through town or eating out alone can be daunting. Lonlieness is incredibly powerful and it can make us do strange things and stay with unhealthy people. It’s comforting to be with someone. But at times, we need to grow. We need to be challenged. We need to figure out who we are without the strong influence of a relationship. And sometimes the best way to do that is by being alone.

I’m married now, but I thought I might never be. I didn’t date in Jr. high, or high school, or college. And after seeing people older than me who were attractive, intelligent, talented… (AKA, there’s nothing wrong with them) who were also single and happy… I knew I could do it too. I got to the place where I was OK with that. It’s a powerful place to be. It helped me to stand up for myself and be brave enough to have those hard conversations that are important for building a future.

I wanted to have the right relationship or no relationship. And I think that’s an important mantra for life. It’s better to be single than to be with the wrong person.

If there is one message I wish I could give youth it’s this. Being single… is totally cool.

(And Valentine’s was started to honor two men- both named Valentine- were executed on Feb. 14th in the 3rd century…. only to be commercialized by Hallmark!).